5. So you’d like a free sample of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa?

Although Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa is distributed without consideration to salsa-worthiness (and we’re pretty sure that term will find itself in the next edition of the Oxford Language New Usage Dictionary), we do make exceptions for those who insist on begging for a jar. 

Here are the rules: 

If you’re interested in receiving a free jar (all jars are free; it’s just a matter of whether we have any left) of  Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa, you may e-mail our owner at Duane.hawkinson@gmail.com (This is a real e-mail address, so obscenity laced tirades are frowned up.) Include your name, shipping address, and a 2000 word essay explaining yourself. (If it’s a little
saucy, that’s not a problem.) We’re unlikely to read beyond the first page, but we still want you to make the effort. (We’re funny that way.) If you’d like to be more visual, you can forgo the essay and send a short video. (DO NOT go beyond R-rated material. We all like to be entertained, but no one wants to get into trouble here.)

Should you be selected, you will NOT be notified. Instead, Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa will be delivered to you at some time in the future—typically after you’ve lost all hope of ever receiving  Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. We like to surprise you after you’ve lost all hope. (We’re funny that way.)

Be patient.

You might be rewarded.