16. Salsa-Fest 2015 Highlights

Brand New Post plus the Senior Editor’s Warning that you had better listen to . . .

Senior Editor’s Note: Although the original 15 posts of Salsa’s Me . . . are organized rather haphazardly, new posts, including this one, actually do rely on your having established a background knowledge of the original 15 posts—which means none of this from here on out will mean a hill of beans to you unless you’re willing to do your homework. Suggestion: Do you homework. Or go play golf.

Update from 2015 Salsa-Fest

(This just in)

Absorbed with polishing her chopper, the local reporter for this story forgot about the event and showed up hours after everyone had already gone home and to bed for the evening. From what she could gather several days later from witnesses willing to return her calls on the condition of anonymity, this sketchy list of highlights is roughly what happened during the 2015 Opening Ceremonies:

1.     As part of the pageantry, Hawkinson climbed to the peak of the roof and set up a pyrotechnics display to “spiff up the event and keep it fresh” but accidentally started several miniature Canadian flags on fire. He then stomped on the flags to put out the fire while three Canadian tourists, who just happened to be driving by, observed the atrocity in total horror. “After the incident during my visit to Canada (which he would not disclose) I was just trying to improve relations with the Canadians,” said Hawkinson, “and now I suppose I’m going to have to write an apology letter or something.” The three Canadians, as polite people, did not comment but indicated through a number of highly excited gestures that they did not intend to ever return to the United States of America. As a side note, the reporter would like to thank the Canadians for their rich use of gestures. From her experience, she cannot understand a word Canadians speak. “Their accents are just so weird,” she said. “I’m like, I can’t understand a word you say. Why can’t you speak American?”

2.       Freida S. (whose claim to fame involved trashing Salsa’s Me. . . See A Literary Analysis . . . ) stopped by, heckled Hawkinson, saying he was “an international incident waiting to happen,” adding “put on a shirt for god’s sakes.” She left in disgust. A dog licked her toes and wandered off.

3.       The neighbor who called the police during the 2014 Salsa-Fest had intentionally left his bathroom window boarded up for several days after the event, causing many neighborhood men and a few neighborhood women to mill around in the street in front of his house, wondering what to do now. “If these people are so starved for that kind of entertainment,” the neighbor said, “they can fork out for the premium cable package.”

4.       In an unfortunate twist during Salsa-Fest, Ed, who was assigned crowd control, started to “get after” unruly teenagers. Unfortunately, they couldn’t understand a word he was saying, thought he was mocking them, and proceeded to pummel him with overripe tomatoes not suitable for salsa making. Ed spent the night in the hospital and would like to express his gratefulness to all the well-wishers—at least that’s what we think he said . . . (His new teeth hadn’t arrived yet.)

5.       In an unrelated but very juicy story, bystanders noticed that Absinthe and Cliff were standing uncharacteristically close to each other, considering their overripe sense of modesty (which in literary terms is referred to as “overweened”), and exchanging shy glances as Hawkinson was panicking on the roof trying to put out the Canadian flags. Apparently, besides smoke and soot and bits of burnt Canadian flags, romance is in the air.

Editor’s Note: We know, we know. The lack of any reference to the police department is alarming in its omission. Let’s let the reporter explain: “Well, I’d been rather frisky with my chopper. I call it Hank. Anyway, me and Hank got cruising about 90 down the state highway after a long night at the Roadhouse (See Salsa fights crime) and here comes the cops. Well, I outrun ‘em, no problem, but I think they know it was me. By the way, this is unofficial, so legally, I can’t say this, but Freida got pulled over for speeding, and she gives the cops a whole lotta erudite flack, which was fully accompanied by this highbrow post-doctorate sort of gesturing, and the cops, they don’t know what to do, so they taser her.”

Second Editor’s Note: Hawkinson sent an apology letter to the National Government of Canada in Ottawa, where it went both unopened and lost. Eventually, a custodian found it on the floor, read it, and commented, “What a jerk.” Hawkinson also planted a maple tree in his front yard in solidarity with the Canadian people. Unfortunately, he forgot to water it, and it died.