29. Mr. Leonard Elsewhere

(Submitted by RJC, former head of security, free-lance)

RJC, fired but still loyal,
working free-lance

Despite his juvenile infatuations with all things attractive-women-wise (case in point: hiring that foreigner, without any kind of formal vetting process, Krista Von Matisse, who had been actively pursuing his injury if not his outright demise (I mean, what kind of bad judgment is that? (Would you hire someone who stuffed compost in your mouth? (Think of the germs alone.)))), Hawkinson's security status at this point is Threat Level 4, from my own experience as a security official and my interpretation of The ABC's of Keeping Civilians Alive Handbook, 2nd edition.

If you're interested, the handbook identifies 5 levels of threats from lowest to highest.

Level 1: Generally low, roughly about the same as getting a mild sunburn or a paper cut while pulling paper out of the printer too quickly.

Level 2: Still pretty safe, equivalent to riding your bicycle in the driveway without a helmet on, possibly getting scratched by a cat that you're trying to pick up by surprise.

Level 3: Heightened level of danger. Opportunity for injury somewhat likely, equivalent to riding your bicycle in the middle of the street without a helmet, getting scratched by a stray cat, or eating Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa that's been left in the refrigerator for more than 5 days.

Level 4: Critical. Likely to be injured. Equivalent to rescuing a turtle in the middle of a busy freeway during rush hour, or to eating Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa that's been left in the refrigerator for more than 15 days, or to getting caught looking in your neighbor's wife's shower on one of her special nights. 

Level 5: Unacceptable. Risk considered so high that collateral damage is likely to involve security personnel. Stay away from this person if you know what's good for you. He's a goner anyway. Cut your losses. Make sure you've already cashed his check.

That brings me to Mr. Leonard Elsewhere. I've been tracking him now for several weeks. What I'm about to say must be kept out of the hands of the Canadians . . . *

*Editor's Note: The Canadians are more dangerous than you think. Have you ever looked at the ingredient lists of their cooking shows? They're trying to kill us Americans (maybe slowly over several decades, but it will happen, it will happen) and then take over our country. Scott Walker had it right. Too bad he's back in Wisconsin with no hope of ever becoming president and with a bigger bald patch on the back of his head. Presidential campaigns are hard on the hair. (Just look at Joe Biden, and he hasn't formally announced yet.)