17. Tragedy Strikes Owner of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa

Tragedy Strikes Owner of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa

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The maple leaves weren’t the only things falling in late September. In a critical security lapse—the head of security had been “let go” in late August—Hawkinson was viciously attacked while in the process of putting the production facilities “to bed” for the winter.

A local reporter, who had also put her chopper Hank “to bed” for the winter, having walked to the scene of the crime and becoming somewhat winded, discovered that the perpetrator was a Canadian named Krista Von Matisse, an art student who took exception to Hawkinson’s conflation of uncurtained showers, art history, and idle curiosity (he didn’t understand that sentence either),  and to his stomping on burning Canadian flags during Salsa-Fest 2015 (see 16. Update from 2015 Salsa-Fest post).

The following details may be unsuitable for all audiences.

RJC, former head of security

According to people watching from the safety of their windows, Hawkinson was blindsided while pulling up the remaining heirloom tomatoes (which, while having certain vulnerabilities to diseases, produce some pretty spectacular looking fruit, although saying “fruit” will get you into trouble with counter-purists who say tomatoes are not both “fruits” and “vegetables,” but strictly vegetables, if only in spirit, while others throw up their hands, saying “six of one, half a dozen of another,” so be on the alert for falling into that semantic mouse trap (you’ll end up on some old lady’s front porch drinking coffee for the better part of an afternoon)) and placing them into a nearby wheelbarrow. Again, to clarify the previous sentence, Hawkinson was attacked while loading tomato plants into a wheelbarrow.

The alleged assailant--Krista Von Matisse—rammed his head into the wheelbarrow, knocked him out, and wheeled him into the compost bin, where she dumped his semi-lifeless body, showing in the process great upper body strength for an anemic chain-smoking art student, not to mention a 19-year-old girl. As Hawkinson tried to regain composure, she jammed unprocessed compost bits into his mouth, declaring, “Vive la Canada, you perverted American pig!”

A semi-delirious Hawkinson kept repeating, “I wrote an apology letter . . . What more do you want?” (At least, that’s what people thought he said. Most of it was muffled by grass clippings and banana peels.)

After capturing enough footage on their cell phones for a decent You-Tube video, several employees in the Hawkinson organization called the police, and Krista Von Matisse was taken into custody.

She was later released due to lack of evidence.

At the hospital, Hawkinson was yet again attacked by Von Matisse, who again stuffed unprocessed compost bits into his mouth until she was completely out. “I didn’t realize,” she said, “that I had so much leftover anger. I surprised myself . . . just so. My blood flows with Canadian passion.”

After the nursing staff rinsed out his mouth and changed his bedpan, Hawkinson noted that the compost tasted like it would be ready in about six weeks. His attending nurse shrugged and upped his pain medication by 65 percent.

After his hospital stay, Hawkinson admitted in a follow-up interview that he had it coming—maybe not the second attack but definitely the first one--considering his many unintentional acts of disrespect and the poor grammar used in his apology letter to the National Government of Canada in Ottawa. He also offered to put Krista Von Matisse on the payroll as head of security for next season, considering her considerable upper body strength.

She’s considering it . . .