27. A look into the drafts of Hawkinson's letters to the National Government of Canada in Ottawa

(From the archives)

In her quest to bring down Duane Hawkinson, owner of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa, Freida Snintnonerlynn offered one of her graduate students an unpaid internship to dig up every public and private document that Hawkinson has ever written. Though little was found--and even less was interesting--here are, using the word charitably, the highlights.

(Dated 1966, the year after his visit to his grandmother's cellar apparently to "fetch some mason jars." See Post #3.)

Der Santa Klus,

I wud lik u to tak to my granma. She scar the undyss off uv me. That no gud.

Yor fren,

Dane

-----------

(Dated 1969, a year or so after he had defrauded the seed company at the age of 8. See Post #4.)

Der Sed Compnee,

Sorry.

Bye.

Sinseerlee, 

Duane 

PS--seeds dint gro aniway.

-----------

(Dated September 9, 2013.)

Dear Acme Tooth Company,

I'm writing on behalf on my new employee Ed. Recently he ordered a new set of choppers--I mean dentures--and they still have not arrived. Now Ed is a good man and an even better employee, but he's a bit difficult to understand when he gums all his words, if you will pardon the expression, and that frustrates the high efficiency of our production facility.

Will you kindly look into this matter and send Ed's new teeth as quickly as possible. But no Priority Mail or anything too expensive. We'll make do. 

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Duane Hawkinson,
owner of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa

-----------

(Dated October 19, 2014, written to his neighbor's showering wife. For reference, see Post #2.)

Dear Mrs. Clean (Ha, ha, hope you didn't mind the joke),

I am writing to emphasize that your husband's accusations that I peeked at you while I was on my roof have no basis in fact. Really, I was too busy putting on the Salsa-Fest. It's a big responsibility, too big for one person. Say, that reminds me, would you be interested in helping with Salsa-Fest? If you'd like to climb on the roof, we'd probably break attendance records. Well, let me know. And thanks for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Duane Hawkinson,
your neighbor,
and owner of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa

PS--On an unrelated note, does Prell really work? I've been thinking of changing my shampoo.

-----------


(Dated February 1, 2015, in regard to Poopsie, Audrey Burning's cat. See Post #6.)

Dear Poopsie,

My new employee has informed me that you have been a naughty girl. That's no good. Poor Audrey is already suffering from enough stress adjusting to her new job. So if you can see your way clear to putting a stop to going in her slippers, that would be greatly appreciated. Have a nice day, Poopsie. And remember to use your litter box.

Sincerely,

Duane Hawkinson,
cat lover,
and owner of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa

-----------


(No date, but probably late in 2015, in reference to offending the Canadians. See Posts #16-17 and #20.)

Dear National Government of Canada in Ottawa:

I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. If not, I hope your day gets better. Sometimes, my day starts out bad and I think, oh no, this is going to be a bad day. Then things turn around, even when I didn't expect them to. Which just goes to show: There's always hope.

The purpose of my letter is to offer my deepest, most heart-felt apology. Without going into too much detail, I hold a Salsa-Fest every year, a celebration of the end of the harvest and the beginning of salsa-making. Overall, it lasts about two hours. There's food and refreshments and a few balloons and music if someone turns up the car radio really loud. It's also really a thankless job, but the neighbors have come to expect it, and I don't want to let them down. (Are you Canadians the kind of people who don't like to let people down? It's a burden, but in a good way.)

It can be fun, if enough people show up. The first year, only the employees showed up, and they didn't seem too happy about it, which I don't understand because they all went home with a free jar of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. That's the name of my product. I don't charge for it, which works out okay in some strange way. Sometimes, I just send a jar to people as a surprise. I like getting surprises once in a while--as long as they're good surprises, if you know what I mean. (Are you Canadians the kind of people who like to surprise people or do you like getting surprises? Come to think of it, I suppose you could like both kinds of surprises.)

Sometimes, unfortunately, surprises can be bad surprises, which gets me back to the purpose of this letter . . .



Graduate Student's Notation: (The letter ends there for no apparent reason. More investigating to follow.)


-----------

Suffice it to say, Freida Snintnonerlynn was not happy with the preliminary results of her graduate student's investigation. She was not yet, however, ready to throw in the towel.