18. Tragedy Strikes Owner of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa . . . again

Tragedy Strikes Owner of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa . . . again

(Official news release, read by Krista Von Matisse, new head of security)

Tarps are covering the mirrors at Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa production facility today as news of Hawkinson’s final demise appeared in the local newspaper.

As best as witnesses returning from Uper’s all-day half-price beer garden & Civil War reenactment extravaganza could piece events together, here is approximately what happened:

While out for his daily run, Hawkinson stopped to rescue a turtle in the middle of the highway. As he picked up the turtle, a giant sinkhole swallowed him up, despite his heroic attempts to climb back out. The sinkhole also caught three Canadian tourists by surprise, their cars plummeting in and piling on top of Hawkinson. One commented via gesturing something along the lines of “pure poetic justice.”

Resting comfortably

Though his body was never recovered, the consensus was that he was a goner, for sure. “Yeah, I’ll bet a full tin of snoose on it,” said one local. “No one can survive three Canadians,” someone else said. “Yup, he’s a goner.”

Some folks said such an event could never have been predicted. Highway engineers just shrugged. His neighbor said Hawkinson had it coming. Someone mentioned something about a lot of rain in one day. Other folks wanted to return to Uper’s all-day half-price beer garden & Civil War reenactment extravaganza--the day was still young after all and there wasn’t anything anyone could do anyway, so why not make the most of it? “There’s still a lotta beer and a few Yanks left to kill,” noted Earl. “I’ll Yank you,” retorted Rita, his wife, who received a few muffled titters.*

In a miraculous silver lining to the story, the turtle Hawkinson had attempted to rescue crawled quietly to safety amidst all the hubbub. Unharmed, it ended up in a nearby lake, where it napped for about twenty-five minutes.

Services are still in the planning stages. In lieu of flowers, empty salsa jars are requested.

*Editor’s Note: Coming from a long line of beer drinking Lutherans, Rita was oblivious to her own double-entendre.