64. How GOOGLE can make a person feel bad about himself

The other day, I had a few free moments and decided to use the world’s digital resources, i.e., GOOGLE, to improve myself. I started to type in “how to bbee . . .” Okay, I’m a bad keyboarder. Blame it on my uncoordinated and somewhat stiff fingers. Now that I think about it, I suppose I could look up how to be a better keyboarder—but that will have to wait.

I tried again . . . “how to be a better . . .” and before I could finish, GOOGLE insisted that my first five choices should be person, wife, listener, boyfriend, and husband. Geeze, Louise. Such lofty goals. How to be a better person? That sounds like a LOT of work, and, to be honest, I know I’m not the persona ideal, but I’m just not all that interested in improving myself. There’s just a lot of other stuff that needs getting done first. And a guy has only so much time and so much energy, and then there are those final two episodes of Bates Motel that need watching (they're not going to watch themselves, you know).

As for the other suggestions, well, wife disqualifies me. Listener almost disqualifies, considering my attention span wanes after five to seven seconds. After that, I don’t really pay much attention to the jibber-jabber that comes out of too many people’s mouths these days. If I were a better listener, I’d probably have to be a better person to keep from punching the jibber-jabberers in the mouth.

The last two on the list—boyfriend and husband—also disqualify me since I’m neither, and sometimes consider myself lucky that I am, neither, that is, which probably explains why I’m neither. (It makes sense to me. It doesn't have to make sense to you. So there. You want to fight about it? I'll fight about it, any day. Just let me know!)

Then it occurred to me: If a person doing a GOOGLE search simply put in how to be a better person, wouldn’t he or she automatically be a better wife, listener, boyfriend, and husband? And by the way, why is husband listed three notches below wife? Does GOOGLE think it's a higher priority for women to improve over men? Does it make me a better person that I noticed that?

Something tells me GOOGLE doesn't give a rat's tail about my personal quest for self-improvement. All I really wanted to know was how to be a better golfer. Now I’ve trivialized the whole search process and wasted time I could have spent on the driving range. I feel bad about that. Does it make me a better person that I feel bad about myself? Maybe I’m making progress. 

Still, my golf game stinks, and I don’t think focusing on becoming a better person or a better listener or a better whatever will do one bloody thing to keep my Titleists out of the water hazards.