53. Straying away from the blog's central mission yet again . . .

Research Study Leads to Discovery of Earlier Studies with Equally Valid Conclusions on Human Behavior

In the following study just published, Study Finds Cat People Are More Intelligent Than Dog People, a researcher with scads of evidence and down-to-earth reasoning argues that indeed the claim of the title is true--despite the obvious controversy inherent in a study of this nature, with the results naturally leading to hostility and more than a little resentment.

Yet further research has demonstrated that generations of similar research studies on the relative intelligence of one kind of pet owner versus another kind of pet owner has spiraled into both related and unrelated studies. The results have been unusual, shocking, confusing, inexplicable, questionable, and sometimes entirely predictable.

To date, here are the claims of studies uncovered from several archives:

1.       (2016) Puppy people are slightly more intelligent than multiple-cat people but grow less intelligent as their puppies get older.

2.       (1973) Golden retriever people are seventeen times more intelligent than Rottweiler people and three times less likely to get arrested for drunk driving and domestic abuse.

3.       (2015) Multiple-dog people who let their dogs bark all night are 798% less intelligent than their petless neighbors and 14 times more likely to have the cops called on them, even when their dogs are quiet.

4.       (2007) Guinea pig people are slightly more intelligent than hamster people although both are equal in their inability to get a date.

5.       (1927) Turtle people are among the luckiest people on the planet.

Red-eared Turtle--friendly without being demanding

6.       (1999) Bear people and lion people are equally at risk for a shortened life from high blood pressure and misuse of prescription drugs.

7.       (2009) Poisonous spider people and poisonous snake people have equally low intelligence and tend to live in neighborhoods that don’t welcome them.

8.       (1957—a good year for studies) Duck people consistently score higher on personality inventories than just about any parakeet owner, although you'd never know it by talking to them.

9.       (1955) Fish people are five times more likely to have teenagers who have beer parties at their house when they’re not at home than all the other subgroups combined.

10.   (1937) Horse people are less patient than llama people while llama people are less forgiving than donkey people, although all are prone to excessive gambling.

11.   (2014) People with both horses and barns have been found less stable than multiple-cat people who live in trailer houses, as long as the number of cats remain under 27 (more than that and the statistics fall apart).

12.   (2003) People with barns without horses are just slightly more intelligent than condo dwellers who’ve just recently upgraded from apartment living. Both tend to have shoplifting convictions.

13.   (1991) Apartment dwellers are slightly less well-adjusted than homeless people who are experienced at using cardboard and runaway grocery carts while both are equally bad at investing.

14.   (1985—a good year for fashion) Homeless people with pets tend to be more gregarious than donkey people but less patient than llama people—although donkey people have a better fashion sense.

15.   (Ongoing) Ford people are less likely to be satisfied with their jobs while Chevy people like to keep Ford people from getting promoted into better jobs and make fun of them behind their backs.

16.   (1985) Mercedes people are off the charts more intelligent than most other pet people but slightly less well-adjusted than old ladies who take in stray cats . . . a lot of stray cats.

Not these stray cats . . .

These studies have been carefully examined, and the results are worth discussing. Please discuss them with your neighbor, assuming he doesn’t have a yard full of barking dogs. Then call the cops instead.