48. A New Take on Old Definitions—insert water and a glass (or How Hawkinson yet again attempts Humor (or Weren’t the other posts punishment enough? (or For god’s sakes, how much more can we take?)))

Editor’s Note: Before handing this post off to Hawkinson—who’s only going to ruin it anyway--the editor would like to point out that on occasion the apostrophe is before the s and on occasion it is after the s. This practice should not be viewed as simply sloppiness in an unprofessional blog. The Editor’s/Editors’ Notes are never sloppy. In fact, we do most of the cleaning up so that if you think this blog is sloppy, well, just hold on a minute, you should have seen it before we cleaned it up. Having said that, the differences in the position of the apostrophe indicate that sometimes one person writes the notes and sometimes more than one person writes the notes. It’s just that simple. (You may wonder why it takes more than one person to write a note. Our answer: That’s none of your bee's wax. We’d also like to point out that when we say we, it’s entirely possible that only one person is writing. We know that sounds confusing, but it’s our prerogative.)  Now, a recommendation: If you thought the above comments were unnecessary and tedious, you can triple those thoughts and apply them to yet another attempt at humor by none other than the owner of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. You’ve been warned.

Handing off . . .

Hi, everyone. Today I’d like to play with definitions using that pesky old glass of water. Ready? Here goes . . .

How to define . . .

An Optimist: The glass is half full.

(Just for Fun: An Optometrist: Is this half of the glass better, or . . . is this? Again. This half . . . or . . . that half . . . Okay, let's try again.)

A Pessimist: The glass is half empty, jerk.

The how to spot an optimist versus a pessimist chestnut has been around for a while, and frankly, it seems to oversimplify the world just a tad. Therefore, I came up with a few more glasses while eating cheese puffs and drinking  light beer. Read and discuss with your neighbor. Keep it civil.

How to define . . .

A Fatalist: Stay away from the glass, I’m warning you! It’s going to explode, and shards of glass will  pierce your eyes, and you’ll be blind from here on out. And you’ll end up living in a cardboard box, and your kids won’t visit you—they won’t even call! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

A Republican: How full is the glass? That’s not the right question. Notice how we reduced the sales tax on the glass. Notice how we reduced regulations on lead and other toxins, and sold off the rights of municipal water (just another bloated bureaucracy) to private firms. Notice how the water has a completely new flavor . . . and smell (Well, government can’t do everything!).

A Democrat: Careful with that glass. It’s liable to fall off the table and you’re going to slip on the remaining water and possibly break your hip and the shards of glass might start working their way into one of your major arteries and you’re going to have to go to the emergency room and it’s going to cost you a bundle, and so you had better support universal health coverage. You need it. You need us. Vote Hillary for President. (Democrats and fatalists, curiously, have a few things in common.)

A Libertarian: Water down by 50%. We warned you years ago; we’re plenty prepared. We’ve got our water, and we’re warning you now, stay away from ours. Start digging your own well. That’s the deal. Live with it, jerk. (Libertarians and pessimists, curiously, also have a few things in common.)

An Independent: What glass? What’s the deal with the water? Anyone have beer?

A Realist: Whether the glass is half full or half empty is meaningless. Here’s the real question: Will the remainder be sustainable for the demands placed on it in the future—or will those jerks the Libertarians steal it when nobody is looking? (Sometimes realists can’t help but be in a foul mood.)

A Trump: (Not to be confused with a Republican.) What a disast-AH! This would never happen with Trump Water! It’s the BEST! Putin endorses it! What could be better than that!!! It’s going to be great! I’m going to make water great AGAIN and HUGE! I’m telling you, HUGE!!!

A Bush: (Not to be confused with H.W. or W.)  i want to play along too . . . donald, you’re a jerk, you can’t insult your way to that glass of water, take that, you meanie . . .

Yes, I know, what about Cruz? Yes, yes, settle down. I know, it’s entirely possible to use almost all of the presidential candidates for more fun definitions, but let’s not beat a dead horse unrecognizable. This is not, after all, a political commentary. Cheers.*

*More definitions as they become available.