46. A Quick Review of the Stories in this Blog to Catch Everyone up to Date, including the Primary Writer (AKA--Hawkinson, who has a hard time remembering what happened the day before yesterday)

Editors’ Note: Since this blog started last August (as Hawkinson’s attempt to gain worldwide notoriety without much effort), several events and personal stories have been jumbled together (to put it kindly) in an incoherent, rambling mess. Since Hawkinson claimed in post #45 to be too tired to catch the reader up to date (when he was in fact hung over by trying to learn the major wine varieties in a single afternoon while not having the good sense to spit out each mouthful, because he’s too unsophisticated to know of such things, also because he’s not too bright overall, but you’ve probably noticed that about three dozen posts ago, so we won’t harp on the issue), we will assume that responsibility and list below the major threads running through Welcome to Salsa’s Me, Home of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. 

If we forget any, we welcome you to e-mail the owner and explain yourself: duane.hawkinson@gmail.com. (This is a real e-mail address, we have lawyers, we have the smartest tech people, we have the most advanced equipment money can buy—now you know. You’ve been warned if your message is less than civil. (We judge civility on a very strict scale.))

Let's review . . .

1.       Hawkinson has an ongoing feud with Canadians, even though he hired one, Krista Von Matisse,   to be his new head of security, the same Canuck who had earlier attacked him and caused great bodily injury. How can this possibly end well?

2.       Hawkinson’s neighbor (the one with the showering wife) is recruiting members in a neighborhood-wide coalition to shut down his operation and force him to relocate at least ten miles from the outskirts of town, “for the good of the children, hell, for the good of everyone!”

3.       Freida S., Ph.D., and dog-hater, has hired a graduate assistant to investigate Hawkinson’s correspondence trail in an attempt to reveal incriminating evidence of any kind, although she’s now to the point where embarrassing information will suffice. Will her strategy ultimately succeed or backfire? Will she bask in the glow of self-righteous victory or simply run out of grant money?

4.       Will Hawkinson’s grandmother come back to life to seek vengeance against him for telling that awful story about her in Post #3?

5.       Will the FCC ever sanction Hawkinson for that terrible bidet commercial in Post #4?

6.       Will Audrey Burning ever put her cat Poopsie down? Or will she break her hip on more of Poopsie’s puddles?

7.       Will the bartender in Post #7 ever learn how to speak without piling on the obscenities?

8.       Will Hawkinson actually ever write a joke that more than three people consider funny?

9.       Will the Mission Statement for Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa ever be finished? Should it have ever been started in the first place? Either way, does it advance the plot?

10.   In an ironic twist, will the critters play a role in saving Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. Short answer: Not likely. But stay tuned. This may be a false lead. Or not. Or maybe.

11.   Will Hawkinson finish The Secret War . . .  or will he find his own life somehow inextricably locked into it in kind of a meta-world reality? Would Hawkinson know a meta-world reality if it slapped him in the face?

12.   Mr. Leonard Elsewhere has been surveilling the premises of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. For what reason? And will Hawkinson’s former head of security play some sort of heroic role in counter-intelligence?

13.   Will Vladimir Putin ever show up in this blog? Will he ever take off his shirt again in public—or is once enough?

14.   What will ever become of Absinthe and Cliff? Will they also play a heroic role in Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa?

15.   Will the paperboy’s tingly feelings ever go away?

16.   Will turtles continue to be a recurring theme in this blog—and if so, why, why for god’s sakes, why?

17.   Will Grace Kellinski and Audrey Burning ever hook up?

18.   Will the newspaper reporter win a Pulitzer Prize while becoming the head of a biker gang?

19.   Will the two Eds in this story ever be able to distinguish between themselves? Or are they simply a flaw in Hawkinson’s recollection?

20.   For some strange reason, two Vancouver women, Anise and Kookie, take time off their busy broadcasting schedule to review Hawkinson’s recipe. Does this elevate the recipe to an honored position in cooking history? Or does it suggest Anise and Kookie have driven their careers straight into the crapper? On a related note, could Kookie and Kristina Von Matisse be related somehow--other than their shared Canadian citizenship? More importantly, will they be back for more reviews?

21.   Will Hawkinson be violently killed yet again, only to be rescued by turtles and faulty reporting?

22.   Will the artwork in Secret War . . . ever improve?

23.   Will the Salsa-Fest of 2016 end in a fiery inferno? Will anyone bring chips?

24.   And will there be any more Civil War re-enactments in which cheap beer is sold and combatants accidentally shoot each other?

25. Finally, will the process of salsa making ever be discussed again, or should consumers buy a jar of Tostitos and call it a day? (Why is there a . . . chest . . . in the middle of that brand name?)

      These are the main issues that Salsa’s Me, Home of Duane’s pretty good Smokehouse Salsa will attempt to answer in the months ahead. Which ones will be first? Hawkinson isn’t saying. For some reason, he took offense at some of our comments.