33. Freida S.'s Graduate student stumbles upon the rest of Hawkinson's apology letter to the National Government of Canada in Ottawa

(Preliminary topic for dissertation, Freida S.'s Graduate Student)

To summarize Hawkinson's letter to the Canadians until it abruptly ended: 

Other than a whole lot of digressions and annoying questions, Hawkinson's letter contained a "bad" surprise, and I quote from an earlier post: "Sometimes, unfortunately, surprises can be bad surprises, which gets me back to the purpose of this letter . . . " (Post #27). 

Finding the rest of the
letter proved not
all that difficult

After tireless hours and pots of espressos, I have found the rest of the letter . . . I visited the custodian in the national government of Ottawa and asked him about the letter. I had recalled from an earlier post (#16) that he had read the letter in its entirety and made the following comment about Hawkinson: "What a jerk." He said that he had mailed me the entire contents of the letter. I said he couldn't have because it ends without an ending, and he said, "Are you accusing me of lying?" And I said, "Of course not, maybe we could go out for a drink." And he said, "Are you buying? I'm just a custodian, for god's sakes." And so we went out for a drink, and after I made several ambiguous suggestions--that wouldn't hold up

A few cocktails did the trick

in any court--he finally admitted that he wanted to keep the second half of the letter as a souvenir. "It was the best part," he mused. "The guy goes completely crackers!" I gave him $10, and he handed over the remainder. Four drinks and a few flicks of my hair, and he was putty in my hands. What a schmuck!

Citing the remainder of the letter directly, Hawkinson's letter continues:

"Such surprises are inevitable, and for that reason, I believe I owe you both an apology and an explanation. First, I apologize for inadvertently burning and stomping on your Maple Leaf flags. They are quite nice as flags go, wholly lacking in hostile imagery, while pleasant, simple, and outdoorsy, even. If I had one criticism--and it's barely a criticism--your flag lacks  a certain pizzazz. Perhaps more symbols or more colors. Would you perhaps consider a moose or a blue

Just one possibility of a new
Canadian flag

jay? Maybe an eagle snagging a trout from a stream? (You might be accused of copying the U.S., though.) I think they'd help fill out the wildlife/nature theme of your current flag. And how about more colors? Red and white are nice, but how about a little blue and maybe a touch of burnt umber? I like that. Since I consider myself something of an artist, and an amateur ornithologist, I would be willing to mock up something strictly at your pleasure, of course. (Are you Canadians the type of people who are open to criticism?)"

Graduate Student's Note: The letter went on for several more paragraphs about the flag, its design, and the highly volatile material from which it is made. At one point, Hawkinson implied that, had the material not been so volatile, he would not have burned his socks in the process of stomping out the flags, and that some sort of reimbursement by the National Canadian Government in Ottawa would be a neighborly gesture. Socks, after all, don't cost all that much. He would in turn, as an act of goodwill, offer the folks in Canada a jar of  Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa. 

After that, he went off on a bizarre tangent, apparently to point out that Canada had wronged the U.S. in many of its own actions, and that maybe it should take responsibility for them, and that, on the whole, maybe it was Canada who owed Hawkinson--and Americans in general--a real Maple Leaf apology. Hard to believe. My guess is that he started drinking as he was writing the letter, and the alcohol put him in a somewhat belligerent mood. Read for yourself:

"Okay, so, let's stipulate that I'm a rotten adult and a poor example of an American. I've already admitted that I was a rotten little kid. Let's also stipulate that Canada has a lot of explaining to do. (I could talk about your oil stocks and their lousy performance, depleting American 401-K's, and the dirty pipelines that you Canucks want lining precious American land for the benefit of your crappy tar-sands oil that's not even making any money for investors, but I've already implied that. Don't think Americans aren't aware of your sketchy energy policies, too, or of your strict finance and lending policies that while stabilizing your own economy simply throw mud in the face of American free-wheeling and volatile monetary and lending practices. Don't think we don't notice, and don't think we don't think you're trying to show us up. We do. ALL THE TIME!) 

"Instead, I'll start with Seth Rogan. Need I say more? Or worse yet. William Shatner. How could you dump William Shatner on the United States of America? Do you have any idea how badly he's polluted the American airwaves? Don't even get me started on Dustin Bieber. If I had my way, he'd have a ten-foot wall built around him, and I'd pass legislation that he never be photographed or videoed again nor allowed to produce another second of "music" for unsuspecting twelve-year-old girls. So don't get all self-righteous just because I've barely damaged a few of your cheap flags. (Are you Canadians the kind of people inclined toward self-righteousness?)

"If you're still not convinced that you owe me--I mean, America--an apology, just remember one more name: Ted Cruz. Oh, I shudder at the name. He was

Canada came out ahead on this one

yours once. Now he's ours. How did you manage that? You're clearly the big winner in freeing yourselves of this border crosser. . . (Graduate student's note: Text is indecipherable at this point, then continues in its attacks.)

"Oh, sure, you've given us a few good celebrities, such as Michael J. Fox, Alex Trebek, Neil Young, Shania Twain, John Candy, Eugene Levy, Dan Aykroyd, and Rick Moranis. Curious that they're mostly comedians. But you still gave us Ted Cruz, one evil, repulsive individual, and that unforgivable act outweighs roughly 347 more attractive, more talented, more intelligent stars. (Are you Canadians the kind of people who admit when you've got the upper hand on an unsuspecting country to your south?) 

"So National Government of Canada in Ottawa, I submit to you that it is not I but you who owe me an apology, and I will stand firm in this position. My actions are nothing, a drop in the proverbial ocean, compared to your barrels of toxic waste also known as Ted Cruz, and also known as barrels of toxic waste resulting from your toxic drilling of those toxic tar sand sites. You are a sneaky yet reasonable people--especially after cleverly convincing Cruz to infect America--and so you will, I believe, with time and thoughtful deliberation, deliver to me a heartfelt and sincere apology--and perhaps a small check. (I'm not a greedy man.)

Now anti-Canada (apparently
doesn't break up well)

"Thank you, and May the Queen Save Canada, but May God Bless America. We've got you on that one. God trumps the queen.

"Sincerely,

"Duane Hawkinson,
owner of Duane's pretty good Smokehouse Salsa"

Graduate Student's Note: As you can tell by the relative incoherence in Hawkinson's last several sentences, he must have been stinking drunk, especially to make fun of the Queen that way. Nobody does that. I mean, nobody. What a jerk.
-----------------------------

Editor's Note: While throwing away her pizza crusts, Freida S.'s graduate student found yet another incriminating piece of evidence, this time an unopened envelope from the Acme Seed Company, Vancouver, B.C., stuck to the bottom of her pizza box. The return address included the slogan "We cater to kids because we care."

Freida S.'s graduate student ripped open the letter and started to read . . .

Master Hawkinson:

We at Acme Seed Company take responsibility very seriously, as we are certain you do, too, although you haven't responded to our previous four collection letters. So now, let's get serious, little man. You owe us money. We've been very civil to you up to this point. But now you're starting to really get annoying. It's time to pay up. Understand?

Let's just say for the sake of argument that you're not planning on paying us. Well, so be it. Our loss. But, little man, let's also say for the sake of argument that your bike goes missing, or someone accidentally runs over your favorite soccer ball. You wouldn't

Dramatization: A seed
company executive with
the help of a Canadian (!)
 reveals what might happen  
to one person's little sister if
the money doesn't come in

like that, would you? And if the money still doesn't come in, then let's say for the sake of argument that you have a little sister . . .

Freida S.'s graduate student stopped reading. She had never seen such a mean spirited collection letter before. And to an eight year old boy on top of it. She was just thankful that she didn't have to expose herself to the graphic violence and uncensored language undoubtedly included in the letter. 

Things were starting to make sense . . . Maybe he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. That would explain his behavior. It would, however, fail to explain that it was caused by a threatening letter that by all indications he had never opened, much less read.

Strange.